% "For the sound of sensation across the nation! Listen to Radio GOODIES! Bom" (Radio Goodies jingle) % Bill Oddie: Be fair, I think the GPO have got a very difficult job to do. Tim Brooke Taylor: Yes, that's why they do it so badly. (Goodies: Radio Goodies) % "Right now listeners, we continue on Radio Goodies with the right up to the minute sounds of... 'A Walk In The Black Forest'." -- Tim Brooke Taylor (Goodies: Radio Goodies) % "This is your leader speaking. Here is an important announcement. It has been put about by back-sliding revisionary paper hyenas, that the Goodies Pirate Post Office is closing down. This.. is a LIE! Our glorious post office gallantly continues to function! We will get your letters through! These are dark days, and the storm clouds gather around us, but never fear! I pledge that I, your leader, will see you safely through to a better world! ... And now... 'A Walk In The Black Forest'." -- Graeme Garden (Goodies: Radio Goodies) % "Today the post office... tomorrow... the world!" -- Graeme Garden (Goodies: Radio Goodies) % "But those aren't art lovers - they're Americans!" -- Tim Brooke Taylor (Goodies: National Gallery) % Bill Oddie: Look at this! Julie Andrews has just recorded "Eskimo Nell"! Yeah, yeah, look. There's a picture of her in a topless rubber bikini. Tim Brooke Taylor: That's terrible! Bill Oddie: Yeah, not up to much, is it. (Goodies: Nice Person of the Year) % Bill Oddie: Look at this one. Tony Blackburn on Top of The Pops strangling a kitten. Graeme Garden: Wait a minute - do you notice anything? Look at Tony Blackburn's face. Look at that weird fixed grin and that strange blank look in his eyes. Bill Oddie: He always looks like that! (Goodies: Nice Person of the Year) % Graeme Garden: I am into neolithic man. Bill Oddie: Is that legal? (Goodies: Dinosaurs) % Reverend (Jon Pertwee): [I am] a vicar of the church of the Seventh Day Repressionists. (Goodies: Wacky Wales) % Reverend: Tea is a foul potion of the Orient- a stimulator of the flesh- an inflamer of the senses! (Goodies: Wacky Wales) % Reverend: You'll catch none of us committing one of the nine-thousand, seven hundred and sixty-four deadly sins. Regrettably though, we are a dying race. There is not many of us less. Graeme Garden: Huh, pretty low birthrate I should think. Reverend: Birthrate? You mean babies? We have none of that sinful wickedness here. (Goodies: Wacky Wales) % Tim Brooke Taylor: Do you have sandwiches? Reverend: Sandwiches? You mean food? We allow no voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites.. where does eating get you, eh? You'll be wanting lavatories next. Bill Oddie: Oi! Don't tell me you don't have lavatories! Reverend: Temples of Beelzebub! The door to hell, fire and brimstone! The hot seat! Bill Oddie: Corr blimey, no wonder you're a dying race.. Expect you're all dying for a Tim Brooke Taylor: Shh Bill! Still, I expect you all enjoy yourselves at the Eisteddfod. Reverend: Enjoyment? There is no enjoyment at the Eisteddfod. 'Eisteddfod' is an old Welsh word, from the old Welsh. It comes from two words: 'eistedd' meaning 'bored' and 'fod' meaning 'stiff'." (Goodies: Wacky Wales) % Bill Oddie (reading from book of stars): Rolf Harris.. Number of legs.. variable. (Goodies: Rolf Harris Plague) % "We must prepare for the trip. Look out half a dozen jumbucks; pack two, no three coolibahs in the tuckerbag. Graeme, you'd better go whack the didilo, while I press a clean pair of billabongs. Now, Australia.. here we come!" -- Tim Brooke Taylor (Goodies: Rolf Harris Plague) % Tim Brooke Taylor: [watching Graeme Garden attempt to mime] Tie.. Me.. Kangaroo.. Down,.. Tennis. (Goodies: Rolf Harris Plague) % "Not withstanding, by so much the more, A having been sent out legit by with or from Rome, for a long time is. These things having been done, not only but also Gaul was divided into three parts. The end." -- Graeme Garden, translating from Latin (Goodies: Rome Antics) % Katie Pimple: For those of you who haven't read the Radio Times, and let's face it, who the hell does?.. % Katie Pimple: For those of you who haven't read the Radio Times, and let's face it, who the hell does?.. (Goodies: Eurovision Raving Loony Contest) % Three brave men went searching For a fortune in the west Now they face each other in the dawn The finale of their dream In the land of cottage cream Turned against their fellows in their quest for jam and scones.. scOnes Men called him wild Bill Oddie And his friend was Texas Tim They walked tall with their tomatoes in their hands Their foe was greedy Graeme Who felt sure that he could slay 'em With his pair of bright red squirters ...?? .....?? On and on strode Graeme On and on strode Bill and Tim Until they stood there silent; face to faces Then Graeme quietly spoke As he pulled his master stroke By suggesting that they turn around and walk eleven paces 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10.. (Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke Taylor walk into a wall) All hell broke loose in Penanink.. ...??... And nobody can say, How much sauce was spilt that day But by the end those two brave men were lying in the dust. His chums lay in the ketchup And his girl ran to his arms But even as they kissed, she met her doom. For if you double-cross a friend You'll get squirted in the end The bun fight at the OK tea-rooms.. Bun fight at the OK tea-rooms! (Goodies: The Cream Mine) % Tim Brooke Taylor: Look at this! "Nine out of ten doctors agree that when you don't eat Sunblest natural bread, you'll get squashed by elephants!" Graeme Garden: That's right! Mind you, it did take us a while to find the right nine doctors. [makes loony signal] And the elephants. (Goodies: It Might As Well Be String) % Tim Brooke Taylor: No, not water! Far too sexy! Bill Oddie: Water? Tim Brooke Taylor: Yes! What's the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions water, eh? A nubile young nymphette in a wet shirt, the damp, almost transparent fabric clinging to her every contour - rivulets of water trickling down her sensuous form.. At least, that's what springs to my mind. (Goodies: It Might As Well Be String) % Bill Oddie (as BBT) and Tim Brooke Taylor (as TG): Goodies ... Goody Goody Thing Thing (Goodies: 2001 And A Bit) % (The Goodies: Almost Live - The Funky Gibbon) Come on everybody- it's gibbon time! We're the Goodies- how d'you do? We've just been out to the zoo We saw a monkey in a cage Doing a dance that could be the rage It's not bad, so let's all do The Funky Gibbon-- Ooo Ooo Ooo! Do Do Do The Funky Gibbon (The funky gibbon!) We are here to show you how Ooo Ooo Ooo The Funky Gibbon (The funky gibbon!) Just like you, so come on do, The Funky Gibbon now. Dogs are always howling Cats are always yowling But gibbons only like to sing and dance You be like that monkey Get a little funky And then know why, gibbons smile Given half a chance.. Do Do Do.. etc % Bill Oddie: One is not amused. Two are bloody furious.. and the other just wants Harry Secombe's autograph. (Goodies: Royal Command) % [Tim enters dressed as Timita] Graeme Garden: What is all that in aid of? Tim Brooke Taylor: What? Oh this; it's my new public image. This is how my public sees me. Graeme Garden: If they see you like that they'll have you arrested! (Goodies: Timita) % Tim Brooke Taylor [sings]: Don't cry for me, Marge ... and Tina! (Goodies: Timita) % "Supernun! Faster than an express hearse! Leaps tall churches in a single bound! Stronger than five Archbishops! Yes, you'll believe a nun can fly!" (Goodies: UFO) % Graeme Garden: Quick, EBGB, how to you speak to aliens? EBGB: Exterminate! Exterminate! (Goodies: UFO) % Commentator: Yes, the warmest of welcomes to you to The Big Match, on the day when Manchester United keep up their amazing record of having their entire supporters' club arrested for the fifth week in succession. When Chelsea hit 6, punched 12, and strangled 4. And Little Scunthorpe United managed to end their lean spell by killing the referee. (Goodies: Soccer Hooligans) % Controller: These things happen, David. It's the law of averages. Theroux: I don't trust laws I didn't get to vote for. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Nathan: With respect, sir, the machine is the evidence. Gerard: Oh, come on Nathan, that isn't true. Nathan: Well, it decides what evidence to accept. Gerard: And I decide what assessment to accept. I'm accepting the machine's. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "Well, I didn't realize it was an event in multimedia sport - tell me, do I wear a sponsor's logo?" -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "I wouldn't mind if it were something *really* important - like sex - it's covering for your secret life of illicit detection that I object to." -- Traffic Controller (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "The beginning needn't be rational - just so long as the end is." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Henderson: It is the last great adventure. The problem is, at the moment it is administered by fools, charlatans and rogues. Nathan: Well my concern is with the rogues, sir. The fools and the charlatans I leave to your profession. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "Some days, try as you will, nothing goes wrong." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Computer: Please give a subjective indication of the level of your nausea. Nathan: Most of it's in my lap. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Trainer: Out there remember you can fry or freeze or boil to mush. Nathan: Is it necessary to drown me as well? (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Stewardess: Is there anything I can get you, Chief Superintendent? Nathan: Are we beyond parachute range? Stewardess: I'm afraid so, sir. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "Where there's living there's policemen." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Therou: Still sick? Spring: No, no, I always go this colour when I'm having fun. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Controller: You always have such a smooth explanation. Theroux: Well, what do you want me to do - learn to stutter? (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Theroux: Where did you get Box? Spring: All right, all right. It was a present from my father - he was in the business. Mind you, even with his contacts you know I could never work out how he could afford it. I could never think of a graceful way of asking, either. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Controller: Don't tell me the romance of space has passed you by? Spring: Faster than a speeding bullet. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Interviewer: Out there you get very few chances to make mistakes. How would you view that? Spring: With unbounded enthusiasm. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "I always preferred Sherlock Holmes to Dan Dare." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Theroux: You'll find his grasp of the subject exciting. Spring: I find nausea and disorientation quite enough for the moment. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "My feeling is that they made a mistake with his last heart transplant and gave him an armpit." -- Controller, on Lars Hedvorsen (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Spring: With the body, you've got an accident. Without the body, you've got a disappearance. Theroux: You would have investigated a disappearance, huh? (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "Nothing's private from your friendly neighbourhood traffic controller." -- Controller (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "The computer did what it always does, treated each death individually. It asked where everyone was on the station where the death occurred. It didn't ask where everyone else was, on every other station." -- Nathan Spring, to David Theroux (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % Theroux: If you don't care who knows, Nathan, why don't you just announce it? Spring: People tend to take more notice of things they find out for themselves. (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "He's a movie buff! You didn't tell me he was a movie buff." -- Controller, to David Theroux, on Nathan Spring (Star Cops: An Instinct For Murder) % "I hate a smart-arse first thing in the morning... assuming that this is what this is." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % Theroux: Falling's easier with something in your stomach. Spring: A sword, preferably. (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % "Investigations are proceeding. Isn't that standard cop-speak for 'we're unlikely ever to know'?" -- David Theroux (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % Spring: There's something not right here. Devis: You mean apart from the fact that your girlfriend's been murdered? (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % "He's one of the department's all-time cretins. British native and allcomer's record holder." -- Nathan Spring, on Colin Devis (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % Fox: The police state bully boys haven't taken over yet, not out here they haven't. Theroux: No, but the branch office is open for business. (Star Cops: Conversations With The Dead) % "Something wrong with corruption?" -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % "It used to take a lot of talent and the right sort of upbringing to be polite and have filthy manners at the same time, now it only takes a computer." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % Chandri: They never went into production did they? Spring: No, this is one of the prototypes. -- on Box (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % "A group of extremists are planning to hijack a space shuttle." -- Chandri (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % "'We've always been able to hear more than we can monitor' -- are you developing intelligent listening systems?" -- Nathan Spring, to Chandri (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % Theroux: You getting paranoid again? Spring: Don't knock it. Without paranoia, how are you going to know who your enemies are? (Star Cops: Intelligent Listening For Beginners) % "And last but not least, there's the hazard to navigation premium." -- Lorta, on salvaged capsule OMZ 13 (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % "Marty, dear heart, we're not going to tell them exactly where we picked it up now, are we?" -- Lorta (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Lorta: Didn't your mother tell you there'd be women like me? Marty: She didn't say anything about crooked salvage deals. (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Spring: Your State Department can't make up its mind whether I'm the Antichrist or just Anti-American. Griffin: Same thing. (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Griffin: Hubble was an American national, working for an American company. Spring: No, he was a star cop, working for me. (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Griffin: He may have been a sonofabitch, but he was our sonofabitch. Spring: My country, right or wrong, eh? Griffin: There are worse philosophies. Spring: Yes, and most of them begin with that. (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Griffin: Your second-in-command is a little short on patriotism. Spring: I knew there was something about that fellow that I liked. -- on Theroux (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Griffin: What do you mean, he wasn't a good crook? Spring: Well the stupid bastard got caught. -- on Hubble (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % "You really are a guilt-ridden little soul, aren't you?" -- Lorta (to Marty) (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % "You gotta hand it them bastards, when they give a guy deep cover, they really do a job." -- Griffin, on the Russians and Kravenko (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % Spring: Are you a gambling man Commander? Griffin: It goes with the territory. (Star Cops: Trivial Games And Paranoid Pursuits) % "They aborted a nuclear waste dump." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Spring: How's our pension fund? Co-ordinator: Safe. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Spring: Forced to enjoy myself, eh? Co-ordinator: Just to remove your body from space will be quite sufficient. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "They say 'no' like it's the Last Judgement." -- Colin Devis (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Police Chief: This girl Lena was used to tempt you to the catacombs. Spring: And I thought she was just after my body. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Box: That is your statement --- 105,000 eurodollars. Spring: I never had that much money in my life. Box: You have now, Nathan. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "Soon it will be alright --- flights resumed, profits made will silence the people in Palermo. We'll be back in favour." -- Santanini, to Condarini (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Spring: Go to hell Box. Box: Is that reachable by strato-transcender flight? (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "You can trust your Auntie Pal, she knows about these things." -- Pal Kenzy, to Nathan Spring (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Kenzy: Did you know she offered me a job with Sunzec back there? Spring: What as? Kenzy: Security, protection, you know, police work. Maybe I should take it. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "Alex, I am being framed!" -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Davis: They're all Family. Spring: You mean Mafia? Devis: Yes. Well, they would help each other wouldn't they? Blood being a greater density than water, and all that. (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Theroux: It appears that I've no option but to relieve you of command sir. Spring: What's that --- the Caine Mutiny? (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "As a member of the team you'd share in the proceeds. Sunzec's going to expand, believe me." -- Condarini, to Kenzy (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "You tell her to get her butt back over here, and I mean straight away." -- Theroux, of Kenzy (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "Uranium eh? It's a bit like striking oil in the old days." -- Kenzy, to Condarini (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "You are bright. What a pity." -- Condarini, to Kenzy (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "The deviant trajectory would bring the dumper craft past disused station S9." -- Box (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "I wondered how you'd manage the heroics." -- Pal Kenzy, to Colin Devis (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % "You will float among the stars undisturbed. We recommend that our cases be left unopened for a million years." -- Santanini, to Nathan Spring (Star Cops: This Case To Be Opened In A Million Years) % Kravenko: It is a courtesy to allow a representative of the medical firm responsible for the ship to be the first on board. Spring: Well, it is a courtesy not to leave dead men orbiting the moon. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "Normally when somebody dies, people stand up. They were all sitting down." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "This woman is my dearest, most honoured colleague. I have great fears for her safety." -- Kravenko, on Christina Jansen (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Kenzy: Are you going to share it with the group, or has democracy been abandoned? Spring: Who said anything about democracy? (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Anna Shoun: I'm here, like yourself, in search of the truth. Pal Kenzy: Yeah? Well I'm just here trying to make an honest buck. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "Oh bugger the procedure!" -- Pal Kenzy (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Theroux: What's the problem? Kenzy: We're missing a stiff. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Kenzy: Why forty-one? Shoun: It's the upper limit of the human body's tolerance for heat. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "Every time I think I detect a germ of compassion in you, you prove me wrong. Why is that?" -- Theroux, to Kenzy (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Spring: I wouldn't overdo that if I were you. Devis: That's what my wife used to say. Spring: Which one? Devis: I dunno - the fourth one. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Anna Shoun: I do not question company decisions. Nathan Spring: No, I imagine that's your star quality. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "Was that survey unwittingly involved in some kind of experiment?" -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "It is part of your job to make people act against their natures. The techniques you use are a matter for your own conscience to decide." -- Box, to Nathan Spring (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "I don't see being mechanical as anything to be ashamed of." -- Box (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "All the blood in her body clotted - just like that!" -- Kravenko (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "For the majority to benefit, a few must suffer." -- Richard Ho (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % "Do you mind if I turn the temperature up?" -- Nathan Spring, to Richard Ho (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Ho: So where is this fabled drug now? Spring: Well most of it was in your drink. (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Kenzy: What's your speciality? Devis: Demolition! (Star Cops: In Warm Blood) % Devis: It amazes me, the things you know. Kenzy: Well, considering your one-track mind, it amazes me, the things you don't know. (Star Cops: A Double Life) % Krivenko: If the situation cannot be salvaged, the Board will need a scapegoat. Spring: Oh, I see. Put me down for a job in the mines. Krivenko: I might be working there as well. (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "We have business rivals, power struggles, family feuds, sex, jealousy, revenge --- and of course, money. All human life is here." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "I thought I could remember the face, but the thing is, it keeps coming out like James Bannerman." -- Anna Shoun (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "Instinct is often far more reliable than logic." -- Nathan Spring (Star Cops: A Double Life) % Devis: I make the jokes here. Shoun: Do you also make the coffee? Milk and no sugar please. (Star Cops: A Double Life) % Devis: If your understanding of English was better, you might recognise a joke when you hear one. Shoun: If you were more sophisticated, I might share your sense of humour. (Star Cops: A Double Life) % Kenzy: Recognise the bullet holes in the wall? Nathan: It's probably where they scraped off the last chief investigator. (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "He's sitting right here, in our own backyard." -- David Theroux (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "If anything happens to her, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if anything happens to you, I'm gonna kick hers." -- Theroux, to Devis (Star Cops: A Double Life) % Shoun: As a Buddhist, I'm committed to preservation of human life. Devis: Oh, give me strength! (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "Without the punishment, there would be no threat." -- Chamcia (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "You look young to be holding one of those." -- Albi, to Anna Shoun (Star Cops: A Double Life) % "I hate shrinks." -- Kenzy (Star Cops: Other People's Secrets) % Kenzy: You mean we don't have to do it? Shoun: No, it's compulsory for us. (Star Cops: Other People's Secrets) % Dr. Parr: Other people's secrets are my business. Spring: So are they mine. (Star Cops: Other People's Secrets) % "I don't think there's any such thing as an unpredictable action." -- Dr. Parr (Star Cops: Other People's Secrets) % Kenzy: Do you know her? Devis: I should do. I was married to her for three years. -- on Dr. Parr (Star Cops: Other People's Secrets) % Daniel Larwood: Well, some people get carried away. Nathan Spring: In body bags! (Star Cops: Little Green Men And Other Martians) % Richie: These guys should sell tickets! (Highlander: The Gathering) % Connor: I'm Connor MacLeod - same clan, different vintage. (Highlander: The Gathering) % Connor: In the end there can be only one - remember that rule? (Highlander: The Gathering) % Connor: Do you think we ever lived like this? Like a tribe, with a name and a reason for each living thing? Did we ever belong somewhere... a time... a place... however briefly? (Highlander: The Gathering) % Tessa to Felicia: I may not be able to kill you, but I'll give you a facial you won't forget! (Highlander: Free Fall) % Richie: What was I supposed to say, 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day, now get lost'? (Highlander: Free Fall) % Duncan: My father couldn't understand what had happened. Richie: Who could? Man, he musta freaked. I mean, there you were all of a sudden, on your feet again - zombie in a kilt! (Highlander: Family Tree) % Dispatcher over radio: Did you say *six* bodies? (Highlander: Bad Day in Building A) % SWAT commander: What do you think happened in there? Commissioner Kaminski: I'm saving it for my memoirs. (Highlander: Bad Day in Building A) % Tessa: What would a man who lived in a cave in the woods be doing in the heart of Paris? At the opera?! (Highlander: The Beast Below) % Richie: The French, they're... they carry automatic weapons! (Highlander: For Evil's Sake) % Richie: The CIA and the Intergalactic space patrol couldn't find him, but you, Duncan MacLeod, are going to find him. Duncan: Uh-huh. (Highlander: For Evil's Sake) % Waiter in restaurant to Richie: If you want fruit, go to California. (Highlander: Eye of the Beholder) % Fitzcairn: I hope that sword isn't for me. (Highlander: The Hunters) % Annie to Richie: Don't worry, I will take your head. But first I'm going to hurt you. (Highlander: Eye for an Eye) % Hideo: If they see you, you will be crucified... (Duncan looks unphased.) Hideo: And then beheaded. Duncan: That's a thought. (Highlander: The Samurai) % Duncan: It looks like raw octopus. [Silence. He eats it.] Maja: It IS raw octopus. Duncan: *Gulp* It's delicious. (Highlander: The Samurai) % Duncan: I bathe once a month! Maja: You smell like it! (Highlander: The Samurai) % Maja: Wash outside tub, soak inside tub, it is Japanese custom! Duncan: This is a Scottish body, and it can wash itself! (Highlander: The Samurai) % Duncan to Richie: What have you been doing all this past year, knitting? (Highlander: The Lamb) % Richie: Mac, well, I... Duncan: I missed you, too, tough guy. [They hug] (Highlander: Prodigal Son) % Richie: They don't still use the guillotine in France, do they? (Highlander: Prodigal Son) % Maurice: They claimed I stole a chicken. Duncan: But you'd never do that. Maurice: Of course not. It was a duck. (Highlander: Prodigal Son) % Richie: I should'a whacked the son-of-a-bitch. Duncan: Yeah - but I saw him first. (Highlander: Prodigal Son) % Mako: I'm looking for a girl. Duncan: Try working on your personality. (Highlander: Under Color of Authority) % Duncan: Stay in the car. Richie: Okay, everybody who's Immortal, raise their hand. [Raises hand] [To Duncan] Looks like it's just the two of us. (Highlander: Counterfeit) % [Richie intercepts bullets meant for Dawson] Dawson: You've been hit. Richie: Yeah, I caught that part. (Highlander: Counterfeit) % Richie: Mac, I am freezing out here! Duncan: No Immortal ever died of a chill. (Highlander: Counterfeit) % [The sheriff is about to decapitate Duncan for poaching] Duncan: But the penalty for poaching is hanging. That's it! Hang me! Hang me! (Highlander: Counterfeit) % Conehead to Duncan: I'm gonna kill you! Duncan: Oh, I don't *think* so! (Highlander: The Watchers) % Richie: This is just great - just great! I mean, he's there, they're there, we're here, nobody's anywhere! Tessa: You ever think of running for congress? (Highlander: The Watchers) % Maurice: Everyone knows Maurice. Duncan: Does everyone find you in their bathroom? (Highlander: Unholy Alliance) % Duncan: I'm meeting an old friend. Richie: Oh. Wait - old as in [makes sword noises]? Duncan: Yeah - [sword noises]. (Highlander: Studies in Light) % Linda: Why'd you do that? Duncan: Do what? Linda: Run into the burning building. Duncan (sarcastically): Because that's where the fire was? (Highlander: Studies in Light) % Charlie to Duncan about him being a walking encyclopedia: You ever think about going on a game show, man? (Highlander: Run for your Life) % Carl about a Watcher-cop who wants to kill him: I don't care if he's a damned cop, it'll be self-defense, man! Duncan: Yeah, and what are you gonna tell 'em? That you're an Immortal and he's a member of a secret organisation and they're trying to kill you? (Highlander: Run for your Life) % Richie (referring to Suzanne's age and hoping Duncan isn't interested in her): 25? And how old are you? Duncan: 400. But you know what, Richie? Today I feel like a kid. (Highlander: Epitaph for Tommy) % Amanda: You really expect me to steal, don't you? Duncan: I expect sharks to bite, too. Don't take it personally. (Highlander: The Return of Amanda) % Duncan: If it happens again, you do whatever you have to to survive. You do whatever you have to! Richie: NO! I can't kill you! I can't! (Highlander: Shadows) % Cop (to Duncan about his sword): And, Bruce? Leave this thing at home. (Highlander: Shadows) % Robert: What's with you guys and the swords? There are easier ways to kill people. (Highlander: Blackmail) % (Mei Ling is talking about how her teacher began to see her as more than a student) Mei Ling: So the student had to teach the teacher a lesson. Duncan: And what was that? Mei Ling: Sometimes a man's greatest asset is also his greatest liability. (She knees him in the you-know-where.) Duncan: (bent over and groaning) I had to ask. (Highlander: They Also Serve) % Michael Christian regarding Rita's plan for him to behead Trent: Chopping the head off a librarian. What's the point? (Highlander: They Also Serve) % Richie (holding up tickets to a basketball? game): Courtside seats! Jack Nicholson does not have a better view! (Highlander: They Also Serve) % Joe: Sometimes, in life, you have to do more than just watch. (Highlander: They Also Serve) % Richie: The kid comes outta nowhere! Oh yeah! (Highlander: Song of the Executioner) % Richie: I'd kiss you, but people might talk. Duncan: They might. (Highlander: Testimony) % Methos: I was at the Colosseum in Rome, 93 A.D., I saw Christians facing the lions. Some of them looked almost happy to die for their faith. Duncan: Is there a point to this story, or are we just strolling down memory lane here? Methos: That afterwards the only ones looking happy were the lions. (Highlander: Finale Part 2) % Rachel: Duncan MacLeod came back from the dead to avenge his father and kill Kanwulf the viking. (Highlander: Homeland) % Duncan's mother: Let no man tell you different. You are Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. (Highlander: Homeland) % Joe: This is not my room, okay? (Highlander: Homeland) % Rachel: Maybe some legends are true. Duncan: Maybe. (Highlander: Homeland) % Joe [looking at the statue of the Highlander]: The Highlander. Think they built it with you in mind? Duncan: Probably not. Joe: So, you gonna stay? Duncan: Nah, too many questions, not enough answers. Better just to disappear. Joe: Yeah, I guess that's what legends are supposed to do. (Highlander: Homeland) % Joe to Kord [sings]: I don't know but I've been told, good Marines they don't get old! (Highlander: Brothers in Arms) % [Richie is dangling Mark, Tessa's murderer, over the fire escape] Mark: Please! I'm gonna have a kid! I'm s'posed to get married! Richie: So was she. (Highlander: Leader of the Pack) % Duncan: Hey, you in the coach! Any time you'd like to join me! Now would be appropriate! (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: You are a Ferrari among Fords. You are a Dior among deadheads. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Kristin: When I see potential, I grab it. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Only you and Joe know that I'm Methos the Immortal. To the rest of the world I'm still Adam Pierson, mild-mannered Watcher. Duncan: Well, mi casa, su casa. How's Paris? Methos: It's a lot quieter since you left. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Taking up origami? (Highlander: Chivalry) % Duncan: So, what brings a 5,000 year-old man to me? (Highlander: Chivalry) % Duncan: Where are my clothes? They were right there! ... Kristin: Come and get them. Duncan: I don't think I would! Kristin: Oh, I'm hoping you will. Duncan: I'm getting out. Kristin: I can't wait. Duncan: I really mean it! Kristin: Good. Duncan: Have you no shame? (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: He met Kristin yesterday morning. Duncan: He didn't tell me that. Methos: Maybe he hasn't got out of bed yet. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: I want you, badly. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Kristin: That's because there's nobody like me, and definitely nobody like you. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Kristin: I'm sure you're gonna find many ways to thank me. Richie: I'm certainly gonna try. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Duncan: The gentlemen I've known I care not to imitate. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Duncan: Duncan MacLeod is who I am. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Round one to Kristin. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: I washed my hands this morning. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Not only are you naive, now you are weaponless. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Do you know how many Immortals she's killed? Want a list? (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: You're better with a blade than her, yes, You're stronger than her, yes. But if you keep letting her walk away, one day she gets lucky and takes your head - yes! (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Great! You knock me on my bum because I make a bad joke! Very macho! (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: Her name's... Duncan: Kristin. I know. Richie: You know? How do you know? Mac? Mac, how do you know? (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: Don't you get sick of him being older and wiser all the time? Methos: Yeah, I can see how that could get a bit annoying. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: You've been there, you've done that. This is all new to me. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: You know, sometimes you knowing everything gets to be a real pain in the ass. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: She's got him tingling in places he didn't even know he had. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: Mac, you're not my father. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Richie: You know, I think this is because she wants me and not you. Duncan: Then you're a fool aren't you. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Guess this must be what it's like to have kids. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: If she'd been a man, she'd have been dead 350 years ago. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: A couple of medieval songwriters came up with the idea of chivalry one rainy day, and you embrace it as a lifestyle. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Look at me, MacLeod. I didn't last 5,000 years by worrying about anyone but myself. Duncan: Really? Could've fooled me. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: You dump her and then you turn your back on her?! Talk about the blind leading the visually challenged! (Highlander: Chivalry) % Kristin: Who the hell are you? Methos: A man who was born long before the age of chivalry. (Highlander: Chivalry) % [Methos kills Kristin] Methos: Someone had to. (Highlander: Chivalry) % Methos: Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. Duncan; That's who I am. Methos: Well, I guess someone has to be. (Highlander: Chivalry) % "I love it when a plan comes together." (A-Team) % "The truth is like the rain - it doesn't care who gets wet." -- Cannon % "You're forgetting one thing, Foster. Willpower." -- Ed Straker (UFO: Kill Straker!) % "Please, no excuses. Believe it or not, this is a film studio. It has but one function - it's very simple - it's to make motion pictures - all right? Let's go." -- Carl Mason, to Paul Foster (UFO: Court Martial) % "Studying people is not your conspectus, Dominic. If you want to study people, watch old films." -- Caleb to Dominic (Flip Side of Dominic Hyde) % "The time capsule is perfectly safe." (The Girl From Tomorrow) % "What is Nimrod?" "A weapon." "Like a missile?" "Like nothing on earth." (Night of the Red Hunter) % "What's up with that overgrown adding machine of yours?" -- Quist (Doomwatch: The Plastic Eaters) % Soldier: What the hell happened? Ray: Bad plumbing. (Stingray: Playback) % "You cheer me up, McBryde. You make me feel well-adjusted." -- Jack Bartholomew (Call Me Mister: Tour De Force) % "They're afraid to mount an operation, and they're afraid not to - and I'm not going to give them a chance to change their minds." (Equalizer: Time Present, Time Past) % "Nothing stuffy; no politics; no women; we're interested in a *forward* age." -- on the Twentieth Century Club (Hannay: Fellowship of the Black Stone) % "No one can be as honest as Hanny professes himself to be - certainly no one with his background." -- the Count (Hannay: Fellowship of the Black Stone) % "Napoleon Solo would ask the same questions, but he would do it... with style. Ilya Kuriakin would chill your blood without revealing a single emotion." -- Zephram (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % Ilya: We used to work together. Woman: In the fashion business? Ilya: No, in the cat-and-mouse business. (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "Trouble used to follow him around in those days. He's looking well... I guess those days are over... [sees fight] I guess those days are back again." -- Ilya Kuriakin on Napoleon Solo (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % Ilya: Don't throw the world at me... How many times did we save it? Napoleon: Constantly, as I recall. But this one is really going to be difficult. (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % Ilya: You know damn well he was. [punches Napoleon] Napoleon: Feel better? Ilya: Much better. Napoleon: Glad I was around to help. (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "No, I still have mine. Nostalgia. But I'm all out of exploding buttons - they might be a bit of a fatal liability in the fashion business." -- Ilya Kuriakin (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "I will if you will." -- Ilya Kuriakin to Napoleon Solo (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % [hanging handcuffed to a pipe, dangling not far from a primed bomb] Pennington-Smythe: You've been in this position before? Ilya Kuriakin: Frequently. Pennington-Smythe: Well how'd you get out of it then? Ilya Kuriakin: I carried an explosive charge in my watch. Pennington-Smythe: Where do you carry it now? Ilya Kuriakin: In my shoe. Pennington-Smythe: What'd they change it for? Ilya Kuriakin: Progress. (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "I may as well know the real name of the man I'm going to die with." -- Pennington-Smythe (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "Oh yes, it's great. Truly fascinating. However I'm finding it increasingly difficult having a meaningful relationship with a machine." -- Napoleon Solo, on the computer business (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "At least when someone's shooting at you, you know where you are." -- Ilya Kuriakin (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair) % "What's the difference if they're cloned androids or live aliens - they're still shooting at us!" -- Angelo (Robotech: Metal Fire) % "I know she has personal problems but I wish she wouldn't take them out on ME." -- Louie (Robotech: Deja Vu) % Steve: If Peter was trapped in the past - John: He might leave a message for us in a vase like that! (Tomorrow People: A Rift in Time) % "He's from the distant future. He's one of the Guardians of Time." -- John to Elizabeth (Tomorrow People: A Rift in Time) % "I'd like you to meet one of SIA's best men - This is Gloria." -- Col. Masters (new Tomorrow People: the beginning) % "Well no one's fainted - I guess no one saw us." -- Adam (new Tomorrow People: the beginning) % Damon: So Megabyte, what happens next? Megabyte: The good guys win? (new Tomorrow People: the beginning) % Ta'ra : I'm his favourite Martian. Our Hero the Cop : She's my cousin from Milwaukee. (Something Is Out There) % "Just a little telekinetic? What, is that like being just a little bit from another planet?" -- Jack Breslin to Ta'ra (Something Is Out There: Don't Look Back) % Daniel: Have you lost all of it yet? Kate: Danny, you know I'm a terrible gambler. Of course, if I had help from an invisible man... Daniel: Well come on let's go to work before you lose the family fortune. (The Invisible Man: The Klae Resource) % Kate: Is this the place where I'm supposed to say 'be careful'? Daniel: Uh huh. Kate: Be careful. Daniel: You too. (The Invisible Man: The Klae Resource) % "Dan, I'll never get used to it. You're the only man in the world who can stand stark naked at twelve noon in front of the Washington Monument." -- Kate Weston to Daniel Weston (The Invisible Man: The Klae Resource) % "Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!" -- The Martian (Bugs Bunny Road-runner Movie) % "I think he must have nine lives, mate. He's gonna need 'em all." -- Callan (to a cat) of the new Hunter (CALLAN: Red Knight, White Knight) % "No, I'm giving her to Callan. He's kinder to women - they trust him, poor devils." -- Hunter (CALLAN: The Most Promising Girl of Her Year) % Callan: So what's she like? Hunter: Vulnerable. She's not too attractive. Callan: You do pick 'em for me, don't you, sir. Hunter: No, they pick themselves. (CALLAN: The Most Promising Girl of Her Year) % "Listen, you're not at the pictures now, Joan. This is awfully real. I mean, there are no bugles, there are no banners, there are no comrades in arms. It's very very real and very very nasty!" -- Callan, to "The Most Promising Girl of Her Year" (CALLAN) % "Makes it worse having met them, poor devils." -- man from the Ministry, of Callan and Toby (CALLAN: Heir Apparent) % "Toby... (gurgle choke) I've... been... had." -- Callan, last line of "Death of a Hunter" (CALLAN) % Mr. Bishop : Besides smoking and drinking, I also lie. (CALLAN) % "All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Trans-uranic heavy elements may not be used where there is Life. Medium atomic weights are available -- Gold, Lead, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radium, Sapphire, Silver, and Steel. --- Sapphire and Steel have been assigned......." % "All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium atomic weights are available: Gold, Mercury, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radium, Sapphire, Silver, and Steel. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned." % "You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone." % Guess Q? % "In my experience, Sir Frederick, records only attract record breakers." -- Craig Sterling (The Champions: The Invisible Man) % "Doesn't matter how hard you try, does it - one irate lover and the whole thing falls to pieces." -- Richard Barrett (The Champions: Reply Box No. 666) % "Why don't you put this guy some place where he's not going to get so confused." -- Craig Sterling (The Champions: The Silent Enemy) % Tremane: You know, this mission proves you to have been in remarkably excellent physical and mental condition. Now it seems to me - Sterling: Um, we work at it. Barrett: Yes, ah, when we're not doing anything we spend all day in the gymnasium. McCready: No late nights. Sterling: Evening classes. Tremane: Ah, yes, I see. And exactly which of these activities enables you to see like - cats? (The Champions: Get Me Out Of Here) % Tremane: Ah, yes, I see. And exactly which of these activities enables you to see like - cats? Sterling: I beg your pardon sir? Tremane: Well, according to this very detailed report, you broke into their police headquarters, apparently without torches, after having turned out all the lights. Barrett: Yes, well, we eat lots of carrots, you see. Tremane: Carrots? Sterling: Very good for the eyesight. Carrots. Tremane: Aw, go on, run away. (The Champions: Get Me Out Of Here) % "You know, you should publish your autobiography - it would save Tremayne getting slugged on the head." -- Craig Sterling to Richard Barrett (The Champions: The Gilded Cage) % Sterling: I could make up answers. Interrogator: You could, yes, but nobody can lie consistently. Sterling: One of us has to. (The Champions: The Interrogation) % Interrogator: So - what's the answer, Sterling? Sterling: I polish a small lamp at home and ask the genie to help. (The Champions: The Interrogation) % "We're going to have riots out there - we should distribute emergency video players immediately!" (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % "There we go. Let's change the course of history - the Trojan Sheep." -- Edison Carter (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % Metro Cop: Peller's ordered all the Blanks arrested. He says it's untidy not having people on the computers - makes 'em hard to catch. (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % Jadie Crane: Edison! An off-switch! Metro Cop: She'll get years for that. Off-switches are illegal. (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % "Of all the computers in all the systems in all the world, I had to walk into yours." -- Max Headroom (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % "Even a leap in the air begins with two feet on the ground, my friend." -- Max Headroom (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % "You've got to help me Bryce! I'm frightened. If they run that- run that program they'll erase-erase me! They'll turn me into wa-wandering electrons, deserts of vast eternity, the gra-gra-graveyard of old TV shows." -- Max Headroom (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % Exec: You mean you have no idea what Carter is up to? Cheviot: None. And he has my absolute trust. (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % Max: What are you la-la-laughing about? Bryce just tried to kiss me-kiss me! Edison: Well you are irresistible. Theora: Well, thank you. (Max Headroom: The Blanks) % "I think I'm going mad. I must be. Or something's happening - God only knows what it is..." -- Bill Mason (The Day of the Triffids) % "Where are we now?! You've got eyes, dammit - use them! Can't you see I'm blind?" -- Dr. Soames to Bill Mason (The Day of the Triffids) % "And there's only so much Janice Joplin and Outer Space and Robots you can talk about before you just have to draw the line." (Misfits of Science: Guess What's Coming to Dinner) % George: Traditionally, Tenctonese should not search for mates. We feel a sense of Roka|, what you would call predestination. geek: But that leaves so much to chance. This is scientific. (Alien Nation: Chains of Love) % "People with high security clearances are being hanged every day." -- David Jones, Ice Station Zebra % "You may call it guesswork, but I call it the scientific use of the imagination." -- Sherlock Holmes, Hound of the Baskervilles % "It is so stimulating being your hat..." (Labyrinth) % "I know what it is to feel lonely and helpless and to have the whole world against me, and those are things that no men or women ought to feel." -- Richard Hannay (The 39 Steps (1935)) % "There are 20 million women in this island and I get to be chained to you." -- Richard Hannay (The 39 Steps (1935)) (The 39 Steps (1935)) % "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" -- Jack Napier (Batman (1989)) % "We got both kinds of music - country AND western." -- Bartender (The Blues Brothers) % "You were in jail... You had no hope... So I took the liberty of bullshitting you." -- Elwood Blues (The Blues Brothers) % "We're 104 miles from Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it!" -- Elwood Blues (The Blues Brothers) % "Ryan, be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don't react too well to bullets." -- Marko Ramius (The Hunt for Red October) % "I'm not an agent, I just write books for the CIA." -- Jack Ryan (The Hunt for Red October) % Roger Murtaugh: God hates me, that's what it is... Martin Riggs: Hate him back! It works for me... (Lethal Weapon) % "Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?" -- Roger Murtaugh (Lethal Weapon) % "Perhaps there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department?" -- Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon) % [Army Intelligence officer describing Indiana Jones] Officer: Professor of Archaeology, expert on the occult, and how does one say it? Obtainer of rare antiquities. (Raiders of the Lost Ark) % Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr: You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do! (Raiders of the Lost Ark) % Rene Belloq: You and I are very much alike. Archaeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr: Now you're getting nasty. (Raiders of the Lost Ark) % Sallah: Indy, why does the floor move? Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr: Snakes ... why did it hafta be snakes? Sallah: Asps ... very dangerous. You go first. (Raiders of the Lost Ark) % Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr: This site also demonstrates one of the great dangers of archaeology, not to life and limb, although that does sometimes take place, I'm talking about folklore. (Raiders of the Lost Ark) % Maid Marian: You never wrote. Robin Hood: I don't know how. (Robin and Marian) % "They use their tongues to deceive. The venom of snakes is under their lips! Their mouths are full of bitterness and curses! And in their paths, nothing but ruin and misery, and the fear of God is not before their eyes! They have taken the hearts and minds of our leaders. They have recruited the rich and the powerful. And they have *blinded* us to the truth! Our human spirit is corrupted. *Why* do we worship greed? Because, outside the limit of our sight, *feeding* off us, perched on top of us, from birth to death, are our *owners*! Our owners! They have us. They control us! They are our *masters*! Wake up! They're all about you. All around you." -- blind Street Preacher (They Live) % "Our impulses are being redirected. We are living in an artificially induced state of consciousness that resembles sleep." -- rebel scientist (They Live) % "The poor and the underclass are growing. Racial justice and human rights are nonexistent. They have created a repressive society, and we are their unwitting accomplices. Their intention to rule rests with the annihilation of consciousness. We have been lulled into a trance. They have made us indifferent -- to ourselves, to others. We are focused only on our own gain." -- rebel scientist (They Live) % "Please, understand, they are safe as long as they are not discovered. That is their primary method of survival. Keep us asleep, keep us selfish, keep us sedated." -- rebel scientist (They Live) % "I'm here to chew gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of gum." -- Nada (They Live) % "I've never caught a jewel thief before. It's very stimulating." -- Frances Stevens (To Catch a Thief) % "So this is where you live? Oh, Mother will love it up here!" -- Frances Stevens (last line) (To Catch a Thief) % "You don't have to spend every day of your life proving your honesty, but I do." -- John Robie (To Catch a Thief) % Gold Hat: Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges. (Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The) % Lois Lane : Any more at home like you? Clark Kent : Uh, no, not really. (Superman - the movie) % "On this first day of a new century, we humbly beg forgiveness, and dedicate these forests of our once-beautiful nation, in the hope that they may one day return to grace our foul earth. Until that day, may God bless these forests, and the brave men who care for them." (Silent Running) % A: Hey, Lowe, you're dreaming. Lowe: And you don't think it's time somebody had a dream again? Huh? You don't think that it's time that somebody cared enough to have a dream? What about the forests? You don't think anyone should care about these forests? What's gonna happen if these forests and all this incredible beauty is lost for all time? B: Been too long. People got other things to do now. (Silent Running) % "Look on the wall behind you. Look at that little girl's face. I know you've seen it. But you know what she's never going to be able to see? She's never going to be able to see the simple wonder of a leaf in her hand - because there's not going to be any trees. You think about that." -- Lowe (Silent Running) % David: What about me - what happened to me, Pamela? Pamela: You never came back, David. You just never came back.. 'til now. (The Philadelphia Experiment) % Lasky: Excuse me captain, but we also have to consider one alternative possibility. Captain: What's that? Lasky: The possibility that what's happening here is real. (The Final Countdown) % Lasky: You still think it's a dream? Captain: It's a nightmare. (The Final Countdown) % "Oh man this isn't happening - it only thinks it's happening." -- Flynn (Tron) % "Greetings, Program!" -- Flynn to Tron (Tron) % Tron: How'd you do that? Flynn: Elementary physics - a beam of energy can always be diverted. Are we there yet mommy? (Tron) % "Don't give me any of that intelligent life stuff - find me something I can blow up!" -- Doolittle (Dark Star) % Miles: Oh, listen, I don't know anything about computers. Sales Assistant: Nobody does. But don't you want one for when you do find out? (Electric Dreams) % "Seen from out here, everything seems different. Time bends, space is boundless. It squashes a man's ego. I feel.. lonely." -- Taylor (Planet of the Apes) % "Tell me, though - does man, that marvel of the universe, that glorious paradox who sent me to the stars, still make war against his brother? Keep his neighbour's children starving?" -- Taylor (Planet of the Apes) % "Unfortunately, we weren't alone out there. A race of non-human aliens called the Dracs were claiming squatter's rights to some of the richest starsystems in the galaxy. Well, they weren't gonna get it without a fight." (Enemy Mine) % "Allo. My name ees Inigo Montoya. You keeled my father. Prepare to die." (The Princess Bride) % "As you wish." -- Westley (The Princess Bride) % The Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing-book??? (The Princess Bride) % Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? Buttercup: There is nothing nearby... Not for miles. Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream! (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*. Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*. Inigo: Probably he means no *harm*. Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*. Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme. Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time. Vizzini: Enough of that! Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead? Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead! Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it! Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut? Vizzini: *DYEEAAHHHHHH!!* (The Princess Bride) % [Vizzini has just cut the rope] Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE! Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: I donna suppose you coulda speed things up?? Masked Man: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree-branch or find something useful to do. Inigo: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to kill you. Masked Man: That does put a damper on our relationship. (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? Masked Man: Do you always begin conversations this way? (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you. Masked Man: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die. (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: I admit it - you are better than me! Masked Man: Then why are you smiling? Inigo: I know something that you don't know. Masked Man: And what is that? Inigo: *I* am not left-handed! (The Princess Bride) % Masked man: There's something I ought to tell you... Inigo: What? Masked man: I'm not left-handed either! (The Princess Bride) % Inigo: Who are you? Masked Man: No one of consequence. Inigo: I must know... Masked Man: Get used to disappointment. (The Princess Bride) % "Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me..." -- Vizzini, to the masked man (The Princess Bride) % Buttercup: You mock my pain! Masked Man: Life is pain! Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something. (The Princess Bride) % Prince Humperdinck: Surrender! Masked Man: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept... (The Princess Bride) % "He isn't dead - he's just mostly dead." -- Miracle Max (The Princess Bride) % Westley: Why can't I move my arms? Giant: You've been mostly dead all day. (The Princess Bride) % Westley: Give us the gate key. Count Rugen: I have no gate key. Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off. Count Rugen: Oh, you mean *this* gate key. (The Princess Bride) % Quick as a snake... strong as a bull... not to mention blind as a bat. % "Nice doggie..." -- Nick Parker (Blind Fury) % "It's not bad. It's a little too mild for me. How about something a little more... ma-cho." -- Nick Parker, eating hot chili in "Blind Fury" % Thug: Give me the purse, gringo. Nick: Are you sure it goes with with your dress? (Blind Fury) % "(whack, whack) What is going on here? (thunk, whoosh) I'm sorry! (whack, thunk) I'm so sorry! (thwack, crash, crunch) Oh my god... (thunk) oh. " -- Nick Parker, beating up bad guys in "Blind Fury" % Nick: Expecting anyone? Mrs Deveraux: No, why? Nick: Somebody at the door. (knock at door) Mrs Deveraux: You should work up an act, Mr Parker. (Blind Fury) % McCready: If you can't handle it, get me someone who can! Get me Bruce Lee! Ed: Bruce Lee is dead. McCready: Well, get me his brother! (Blind Fury) % Driver: What's your problem, jackass - you blind? Nick: Yeah. What's your excuse? (Blind Fury) % "The desert is filled with people that had bad attitudes." -- Claude McCready (Blind Fury) % "If it ain't the walking chop-o-matic..." -- Ed (Blind Fury) % "I also do... circumcision" -- Nick Parker, after shaving Ed's eyebrows off, in "Blind Fury" % Nick: I suggest aspirin for that headache. Ed: What headache? (thwack, thunk) -- Blind Fury % Thug 1: Do you see him? Thug 2: I can't see a thing! Nick: That's where I live. (cut, cut, swath, swath, slice, skewer, chop...) (Blind Fury) % "You're a walkin' advertisement for hirin' the handicapped." -- McCready to Nick Parker (Blind Fury) % "Why don't you drop that cane before you cut yourself..." -- McCready to Nick Parker (Blind Fury) % McCready: Mr Parker, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Nick: Nice guy I hope - everyone's been trying to kill me lately. (Blind Fury) % "Unreasonable men make life so difficult..." -- Nick Parker to Slag (Blind Fury) % THEY LIVE WE SLEEP % "Limitless atomic power... the conversion of Lead into Uranium..." -- This Island Earth % "It's only Neutron. We call him that because he's so positive." -- This Island Earth % "The neutrino could be described as the missing link between energy and matter." -- This Island Earth % "Metaluna lies far beyond the Solar System - in Outer Space." -- This Island Earth % "Place your hands above the rails. They're magnetised." -- This Island Earth % "I feel like a new toothbrush." -- This Island Earth % "In this place I wouldn't believe my grandmother." -- This Island Earth % "To go is to return." -- Aliens in "The Lathe of Heaven" % "Somewhere out there is page 6." - Orville Newton (Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines) % "What's that?" "A flying machine I think. Yes it must be a flying machine - it's got propellers." (Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines) % "The trouble with these international affairs is that they attract foreigners." -- Lord Raunsley (Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines) % "And remember - no matter where you go... there you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % Buckaroo Banzai: ...and give her your coat. Perfect Tommy: Why me? Buckaroo Banzai: Because you're perfect. Perfect Tommy: You have a point. (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % Messenger: The President's calling. Buckaroo Banzai: President of what? Messenger: The President of the United States! (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % "It's me, I'm ionized, but I'm okay now." -- Buckaroo Banzai, explaining the static on his two-way radio (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % Buckaroo : Look at this - what is it? Professor : It's your hand, Buckaroo. (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % "You're like Jerry Lewis - you give me hope to carry on." -- Penny Pretty, to Buckaroo Banzai (only he didn't hear it) (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % New Recruit (rushing through physics lab): Why is there a watermelon there? Old Hand: I'll tell you later. (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % DECLARATION OF WAR The Short Form (for use in Emergency Only) (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % NUBUDY CUMZ IN HERE - SEKRIT (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % "What do you do - jump-start it?" -- Buckaroo Banzai, trying to start alien craft (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % (Guy at comms) : The President wants to know if everything is OK with the alien spaceship, or should he go ahead and nuke Russia? Buckaroo Banzai : Tell him Yes on 1 and No on 2 (Other guy at comms) : Which was yes - Destroy Russia, or number 2? (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) % "Madame, you have had an emotional shock. I will notify a Rape Crisis Centre." -- Robocop, in "Robocop". % "Who cares if it worked or not?!" -- Dick Jones (Robocop) % "Dick - you're fired!" -- President of OCP, to Dick Jones (Robocop) % Woman: You said you were just going to scare him! Cain: He doesn't look scared. (Robocop II) % "Thank you for not smoking." -- Robocop, in "Robocop II" % "Of course there won't be any trouble from the dead ones." (Robocop II) % President of OCP: We'd need some evidence to support it. Deputy: Whether it exists or not, I'll find it. % "Patience, Lewis. We're only human." -- Murphy, aka Robocop, in "Robocop II". % "Well, boys, I reckon this is it. Nuclear combat toe to toe with the Rooskis." (Dr. Strangelove) % "That can't be an aircraft - it must be a buzz bomb!" (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "My mission here is not to solve your petty internal squabbles." -- Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "I'm impatient with stupidity. My people have learned to live without it." -- Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "He's not 8 feet tall, nor does he have tentacles." (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % Landlady: You're a long way from home, aren't you, Mr Carpenter. Carpenter: How did you know? Landlady: I can tell a New England accent a mile away. (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "What can they do? They're people just like us." "People? They're Democrats!" (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "I must admit I'm a little confused." -- Carpenter (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % Carpenter: You see, they don't have any wars. Bobby: Gee, that's a good idea. (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "I like you=, Mister Carpenter - you're a real screwball." -- Bobby (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason." -- Carpenter (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "It isn't faith that makes a scientist, it's curiosity." -- Prof. Barnhart (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "Must I take drastic action in order to be heard?" -- Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "He's got a diamond - he must be an alien!" -- remark during "The Day The Earth Stood Still" at the Valhalla 24-hour SF marathon (9-2-91) % Bernhart: Does all this frighten you, make you feel insecure? Secretary: Yes. Bernhart: Good. (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % Heroine's beau: I don't care about the rest of the world. You'll feel different when you see my picture in the papers. You're going to marry a big hero. Heroine: I'm not going to marry anybody. (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "Deploy all forces according to Plan B." (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "Gort - but he's a robot - what could he do?" (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "Klaatu Barada Nikto." (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % "You mean, 'how long will I live?'. That no-one can tell." -- Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still) % "Gort - barenga." (The Day The Earth Stood Still) % Everyone: Focus! pma: Folk me too. (at the Valhalla 24-hour SF marathon (9-2-91)) % Hero : What's all this about? Escort : I can't tell you that. Hero : Where are we going? Escort : I can't tell you that either. (Fantastic Voyage) % "Me? I can't even put a bandaid on my finger." -- the hero, Fantastic Voyage % "There's a button and a switch for everything." (Fantastic Voyage) % General: What are the problems with stopping the heart? Doctor: Nothing compared with starting it up again! (Fantastic Voyage) % "Twelve minutes left... what a time to run out of sugar." -- General (Fantastic Voyage) % "General, there's a submarine in the Operating Theatre!" -- remark at the Valhalla 24-hour SF Marathon at the end of "Fantastic Voyage" (17-2-90) % Virgil : I hate that bitch. (other person) : Probably shouldn't have married her then. (The Abyss) % "Luck is not a factor." -- Lindsey (The Abyss) % "What do you want us to call you - 'Sir'?" (The Abyss) % "These guys are about as much fun as a tax audit." -- Lindsey, of the Navy Seals (The Abyss) % "You're going to give that rat a disease." (The Abyss) % "It does get in!" -- remark made about the blue stain on Bergman's hand during "The Abyss" at the Valhalla 24-hour SF marathon (9-2-91) % "If you don't cause an electrical failure, you're not an alien." -- Paul Michael Agapow during "The Abyss" at the Valhalla 24-hour SF marathon (9-2-91) % "We've lost the crane! We've lost the crane! It's on it's way down to you!" (The Abyss) "Catch!" -- remark made at the Valhalla 24-hour SF marathon (9-2-91) % Bergman: I'm glad you're here. Lindsey: I'm not. (The Abyss) % Bergman : You think everything is a conspiracy. Hippy : But it is. (The Abyss) % Lindsey: There is something down there. (someone): You could be more specific. (The Abyss) % "Do me a favour - stay off my side." -- Lindsey to Hippy (The Abyss) % "Who's hysterical? Nobody's hysterical." -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "We all see what we want to see." -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "Does this strike anyone as particularly psychotic, or is it just me?" -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "What I need to know is that this thing is off my rig - do you hear me, Roger Ramjet?!" -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "So raise your hand if you think that was a Russian Water Tentacle." -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "He's cut off from his chain of command, he's suffering from HP psychosis, and he has a nuclear weapon." -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "This is something I've wanted to do since we first met." -- Coffie, just before taping Lindsey's mouth shut. (The Abyss) % "You better just stay calm, the situation is under control." -- Coffie, The Abyss % "I just figured I was dead back there, when I saw that angel comin' for me." -- Jammer, The Abyss % Bergman: What's the plan? Lindsey: I drown and you take me back to the rig. (The Abyss) % "CALL GUINESS" -- Virgil Brigman, The Abyss % "It's not easy being a cast-iron bitch - it takes discipline and years of training." -- Lindsey, The Abyss % "It's the blue wire with the white stripe - not, repeat, not, the black wire with the yellow stripe." (The Abyss) % "KNEW THIS WAS ONE WAY TICKET BUT YOU KNOW I HAD TO COME" -- Virgil Brigman, The Abyss % "Not malfunction Stephanie. Number Five is alive." (Short Circuit) % Han Solo: Over my dead body! Greedo: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Han Solo: Yes, I *bet* you have. *Zap* (Star Wars) % Chewbacca: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh C3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can't help it. Han Solo: I don't get it. It's not wise to upset a wookie. C3PO: But Sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid. Han Solo: That's because droids don't pull peoples arms out of their sockets if they lose. Wookies are known to do that. C3PO: I see your point, Sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2... Let the wookie win. (Star Wars) % Han Solo: Not a bad bit of rescue. You know, sometimes I amaze even myself. Princess Leia Organa: That doesn't seem too hard. (Star Wars) % "May the force be with you!" -- Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi (Star Wars) % "We're doomed!" -- C3PO, Star Wars % "I'm going to regret this." -- C3PO, Star Wars % "We seem to be made to suffer - it's our lot in life." -- C3PO, Star Wars % "Don't get technical with me!" -- C3PO to R2D2, Star Wars % "Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi - you're my only hope..." -- Princess Leia, Star Wars % "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" -- C3PO, Star Wars % "If there's a bright centre of the universe, it's the planet it's farthest from." -- Luke Skywalker, on Dantouine (Star Wars) % C3PO : I see, Sir Luke. (Star Wars) % "Well, of course I know him - he's me." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % "I find your lack of faith disturbing." -- Darth Vader, before he chokes a doubter with the Force (Star Wars) % "Mos Eisly spaceport - you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % "The force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % "I'm ready for anything." -- Luke Skywalker, Star Wars % Thug: It doesn't like you. Luke: Sorry. Thug: I don't like you either. I have the death sentence on twelve planets! Luke: I'll be careful. Thug: You'll be dead! (Star Wars) % "It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs." -- Han Solo, of the Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) % "Sorry about the mess." -- Han Solo, Star Wars % "I don't know what this is about, but I'm sure it's all your fault." -- C3PO to R2D2 (Star Wars) % The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more systems will slip through your fingers." -- Princess Leia to Governor Tarkin (Star Wars) % "Hokey religions and old-fashioned weapons don't beat a good blaster by your side." -- Han Solo (Star Wars) % "Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them." -- Obi Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) % "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck." -- Obi Wan Kenobi (Star Wars) % "I have a very bad feeling about this." -- Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) % Obi Wan: Leave that to me. Han: Damn fool, I knew you were going to say that. Obi Wan: Who's the more foolish - the fool, or the fool who follows him? (Star Wars) % "Who's the more foolish - the fool, or the fool who follows him?" -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % "Bring 'em on - I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." -- Han Solo (Star Wars) % "Where did you dig up that old fossil?" -- Han Solo to Luke Skywalker of Obi Wan Kenobi % "I can't see a thing in this helmet." -- Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) % "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?" -- Princess Leia, Star Wars % "I'm Luke Skywalker - I'm here to rescue you." -- Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) % Leia: Could be worse. (ominous noise) Han: It's worse. (Star Wars) % "I got a bad feeling about this..." -- Han Solo, Star Wars % "Listen to them - they're dying, R2!" -- C3PO (Star Wars) % Han: I take orders from just one person - me. Leia: It's a wonder you're still alive. (tries to get past Chewbacca) Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way? Han: (mutters) No reward is worth this. (Star Wars) % "Run, Luke, run!" -- first speech of the dead Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars % Use The Source, Luke... % "If money is all you love, that's what you'll receive." -- Princess Leia to Han Solo (Star Wars) % Luke: What do you think of her? Han: I'm trying not to. Luke: Good. Han: Still, she's got a lot of spirit. Do you think a princess and a guy like me...? Luke: No. (Star Wars) % "But they're so small they're avoiding our Turbo Lasers." (Star Wars) % "Evacuate - in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances." -- Governor Tarkin (Star Wars) % Han Solo: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a good bye kiss? Princess Leia Organa: I'd just as soon kiss a wookie! Han Solo: I can arrange that! You could use a good kiss! (The Empire Strikes Back) % "R2 says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually R2 has been known to make mistakes - from time to time... Oh dear, oh dear..." -- C3PO (The Empire Strikes Back) % "I thought this smelt bad on the outside!" -- Han Solo (The Empire Strikes Back) % "I'll be back!" -- Princess Leia Organa (The Empire Strikes Back) % "I've got very a bad feeling about this..." -- Han Solo (Return of the Jedi) % "A Jedi Knight? I'm out of it for a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur." -- Han Solo, on Luke Skywalker (Return of the Jedi) % Han : How are we doing? Luke : Same as always. Han : That bad, huh? (Return of the Jedi) % Han Solo: I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur it's a big light blur. Luke Skywalker: There's nothing to see. I used to live here you know. Han Solo: You gonna die here you know. Convenient! (Return of the Jedi) % C3PO: I do believe they think I am some kind of god. Han Solo: Well, why don't you use your divine influence and get us out of this? C3PO: I beg your pardon general Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper. Han Solo: Proper??? C3PO: It's against my programming to impersonate a deity. (Return of the Jedi) % Teacher: No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley! Marty: Well, History is going to change. (Back to the Future) % "I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming." -- Deckard (Bladerunner) % "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Roy." -- Tyrell (Bladerunner) % "It's too bad she won't live! But then again, who does?" -- Gaff (Bladerunner) % "Wake up! Time to die!" -- Leon, to Deckard (Bladerunner) % "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shores of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tenhauser Gate. All these moments will be lost in time - like - tears - in rain. Time - to die." -- Roy Batty (Bladerunner) % "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe..." -- Roy Batty (Bladerunner) % "...like rats leaving a sinking ship. Then the ship - sinks." -- Tyrell (Bladerunner) % "Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave." -- Roy Batty (Bladerunner) % "Thanks to the diligence of the FBI, this particular vaccuum cleaner will not fall into the wrong hands." -- Howard Hughes (Rocketeer) % "There can only be one!" -- Connor McLeod (Highlander) % "Why does the sun come up, or are the stars just pinholes in the curtain of night?" -- Ramirez (Highlander) % "If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!" -- Ramirez (Highlander) % "I never eat anything I can't identify." -- Ramirez (Highlander II) % "There is no spoon." -- The Matrix % "I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is - maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is - doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong." -- Gregory House (House M.D.: Three Stories) % Dan's Father: How can you just sit there? Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I eat standing up I spill. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair. Orange patient: What? Dr. Gregory House: You're *orange*, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colours, she's just not paying attention. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up. Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Dr. Gregory House: And truth often kicks us in the nads. (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious. Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality. Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot. (House M.D.) % Rachel Adler: What made you a cripple? Dr. Gregory House: I had an infarction. Rachel Adler: A heart attack? Dr. Gregory House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my legs. Rachel Adler: Wasn't there something they could do? Dr. Gregory House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death. Rachel Adler: Did you think you were dying? Dr. Gregory House: I hoped I was dying. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's] The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw\u2026 Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs. Dr. Wilson: \u2026with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same. It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love. Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on. Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting. Dr. Gregory House: That's ageism. Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing. (House M.D.) % Dr. Robert Chase: Matt's mum won't make a move until she hears from the C.D.C. Dr. Wilson: Godot would be faster. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Foreman, who has a famous patient's Do Not Resuscitate order] And hang onto that DNR... it could be worth a lot of money real soon. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: A patient comes because she's sleeping 16 hours a day, and it takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness. (House M.D.) % [House referred to Chase as British] Dr. Robert Chase: I'm Australian! Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [in Cuddy's office with Foreman] Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Dr. Gregory House: Go check out the hood, Dog. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House! Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already? Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: I forgot I needed a reason to give a crap. Dr. Gregory House: You're actually giving two craps. Dr. Wilson: The metric system always confused me. (House M.D.) % [House is snooping through Wilson's file to try and find out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated] Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, "friend" also translates into "limping twerp". (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody. Dr. Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking. (House M.D.) % Chris Dewey: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You're reading a comic book. Dr. Gregory House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. [she covers her chest with her clipboard] Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature. (House M.D.) % Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity. Dr. Gregory House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it! (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops. Young Man: How did you...? Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemarrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me. Young Man: It's an MP3 player. Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line? (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me? Dr. Gregory House: Does it matter? Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you. Dr. Gregory House: Why? Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical? Dr. Gregory House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job? Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. Dr. Gregory House: No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty. Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants? Dr. Gregory House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. Dr. Cameron: I was at the top of my class! Dr. Gregory House: But not *the* top. Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic! Dr. Gregory House: You were a very good applicant. Dr. Cameron: But not the best. Dr. Gregory House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired for some genetic gift of beauty instead of some genetic gift of intelligence? Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am! Dr. Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off. Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered? Dr. Gregory House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member? Dr. Cameron: No! Dr. Gregory House: Sexually assaulted? Dr. Cameron: No! Dr. Gregory House: But you *are* damaged, aren't you? (House M.D.) % Stacy Warner: You avoid work like the plague, unless it actually is the plague. (House M.D.) % Stacy Warner: God, you are such an idiot. Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk. (House M.D.) % Carmen Electra: [during a diagnostics lecture on leg pain, House has substituted Carmen Electra for the actual patient] Can I put my pants back on? Dr. Gregory House: I'd rather you not. (House M.D.) % Gabriel Reilich: Who are you? Dr. Gregory House: The little ones call me "Uncle Greg." (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [talking about 9-year-old cancer patient] Let's see how brave she is when she finds out she's going to die. Dr. Wilson: Go to hell. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think? (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that. Dr. Gregory House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? Who thinks there's a third option? [Dr. Chase raises his hand] Dr. Gregory House: Very good. What's the third choice? Dr. Robert Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex. Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake. (House M.D.) % Dr. Robert Chase: I definitely need to know. You haven't had any sex? Gabriel Reilich: I wish. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [sticking his head into an exam room] Need a consult! Dr. Wilson: With a patient! Dr. Gregory House: Urgent doctor stuff. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: All this hate is toxic. (House M.D.) % Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life? Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine. Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession? Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file. Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. [to Lisa] Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it? [to crowd] Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [everybody raises their hand] Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews? [Jody raises her hand] Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House is reporting for clinic duty] You're half an hour late. Dr. Gregory House: Busy case load. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: One case is not a "load". (House M.D.) % [House is popping pills] Orange patient: What is that? What are you taking? Dr. Gregory House: Painkillers. Orange patient: Oh, for your... for your leg. Dr. Gregory House: No, 'cause they're yummy! Want one? (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: I love my wife. Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: At least I try. Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want. Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want. Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world! (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently. Dr. Cameron: And? Dr. Gregory House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: I find your interest interesting. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size? (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him? Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this [waves cane] Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy! (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People talk. Dr. Gregory House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back! (House M.D.) % [Dr. House, to delay a surgery, has violently sneezed and coughed all over the sterile field] Anesthesiologist: Well, there's no way we can do the surgery now... Dr. Hourani: Ya think? (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man! Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again. Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will. Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: You mentioned leishmaniasis and filariasis. Where did you hear about them? Jeffrey: I told you, I found them on the Internet. Dr. Gregory House: What, did you search of "obscure tropical diseases that don't match my son's symptoms?" (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex. Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this... Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [She pauses to catch her breath] Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless] Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm? Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters] Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up? (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat. Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect. Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect? Dr. Wilson: To... get laid. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: [paraphrasing House's frequent quote] "Everybody lies"... except *politicians*? House, I believe you are a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and *cry*? [pauses, points] Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much *niceness* and not get any on you Dr. Gregory House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her? Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I *haven't* put the moves on her? Dr. Gregory House: [Stops and stares] Dr. Wilson: [points] Oh. [he's onto something big] Dr. Wilson: [whispers] Oh *boy*! You're in trouble. [laughs and exits] (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: What happened to "Everybody Lies"? Dr. Gregory House: I lied. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Have it your way. Immaculate conception. Susan: Um, what do I do? Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's obvious - start a religion. (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you. (House M.D.) % Mr. Foster: What is your problem? Dr. Gregory House: Bum leg, what's yours? (House M.D.) % Dr. Robert Chase: I think we need to take his girlfriend's theory into account. Dr. Cameron: Oh, and what is that? Dr. Robert Chase: She thinks she rode him to death. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: What we need to do is treat... um... Dr. Cameron: Brandon. Dr. Gregory House: Brandon! Thank you. Now, most allergic reactions accompany some form of drug. Have you ever taken drugs... Dr. Cameron: Brandon. Dr. Gregory House: Brandon! Lovely name. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: Even I don't like you! Dr. Gregory House: Words can hurt you know. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want." (House M.D.: Pilot) % Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: We're missing something. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Hey! You're killing her! Edward Vogler: Really? Dr. Gregory House: She knew the risks! One blip in the data and your results are off! Edward Vogler: The FDA eats blips for breakfast! One person shouldn't endanger thousands! Dr. Gregory House: Thank God for you to save all those lives! Edward Vogler: [chuckles] Calm down. Why don't you play some Game Boy? Watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today. (House M.D.) % Ramona: Hi. I'm having vaginal pain. Dr. Gregory House: Pleasure to meet you. (House M.D.) % Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands. Dr. Gregory House: Not any more. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Overall, drug addicts are idiots (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [trying to get Cuddy to leave the room by admitting malpractice] So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find... (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: So what's your plan? You take the big dark one, I'll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things get tough. (House M.D.: Honeymoon) % Dr. Wilson: I love my wife. Dr. Gregory House: You loved all your wives. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to hide steroid use. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat. Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die, so my biggest problem is the curse to do the math. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth. Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste. Dr. Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum. Dr. Wilson: Okay, well.. they were nice, pointy. (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: How'd she get to you? Dr. Gregory House: She's the CEO of Sonyo cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news. Dr. Eric Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time? (House M.D.) % Dr. Robert Chase: Well, let's go further outside the box. Let's say the angio revealed a clot, and let's say we treated that clot, and now she's all better, and personally thanked me by performing - Dr. Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Philadelphia. Dr. Gregory House: Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Fascinating story. Did you think about adapting it to the stage? (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He has a sore throat. Dr. Gregory House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He said that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was in a board meeting. Dr. Gregory House: Patients come first, right? (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? Dr. Eric Foreman: [everyone stares] Dr. Cameron: I'm being House. It's funny. Dr. Eric Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose (House M.D.) % [House has just interviewed a new doctor that is more sarcastic then he is] Dr. Wilson: That's our Hitler! (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: It's dangerous, it could kill him. You should do it. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: Does your penis hurt? John Funsten: What? No! Should it? Dr. Gregory House: No, I thought I'd give you a really inappropriate question. Your lawyers will love it. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald. Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: When I decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person standing behind you so you fall down and hurt your head. (House M.D.) % Dr. Wilson: Nobody's perfect. Dr. Gregory House: Mother Theresa? Dr. Wilson: Dead. Dr. Gregory House: Angelina Jolie? Dr. Wilson: No medical degree. Dr. Gregory House: Oh, so now who's being picky. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: [discussing a patient's diagnosis] What about sex? Dr. Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that. Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis. Dr. Gregory House: Heh, nice cover. (House M.D.) % [to House] Dr. Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, you couldn't. Dr. Gregory House: Nice. (House M.D.) % Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] Jill: but I can't seem to lose any weight. Dr. Gregory House: Lift up your arms. [she does so] Dr. Gregory House: You have a parasite. Jill: Like a tapeworm or something? Dr. Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. [she lies back, and still has her hands up.] Dr. Gregory House: You can put your arms down. Jill: Can you do anything about it? Dr. Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [he starts to ultrasound her abdomen] Jill: Illegal? Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites - Jill: Playdates? Dr. Gregory House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes. [it's a baby] (House M.D.) % [to Cameron at Christmas] Dr. Gregory House: Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me? (House M.D.) % Lucy Palermo: [Lucy is reading aloud "Her Praise" by W.B. Yeats] Lucy Palermo: I will talk no more of books or of the long war but walk by the dry thorn until I have found some beggar shelter from the wind and there manage the talk until her name come round. If there be rags enough he will know her name and be well pleased remembering it. For in the old days though she had young men's praise and old men's blame among the poor both the old and young gave her praise. (House M.D.) % Dr. Cameron: I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up. Dr. Gregory House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up? Dr. Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure, and because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch. Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. You said you *weren't* angry. (House M.D.) % Dr. Gregory House: [examining a baby] No fever, glands normal. Missing her vaccination dates. Young Mother: We're not vaccinating. Dr. Gregory House: Think they don't work? Young Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line. Dr. Gregory House: Mmmm. May I? [he takes the baby's frog and starts to do a gribbit noise with the baby] Young Mother: [whispered] Sure. Dr. Gregory House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [the baby laughs] Dr. Gregory House: All natural, no dyes. That's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop *really* fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. Young Mother: Tell me what she has. Dr. Gregory House: [long suffering] A cold. (House M.D.) % Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right? Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed. (House M.D.) % Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being *intentionally* dense? Dr. Gregory House: Huh? (House M.D.) % Nurse #2: I'll get a doctor. Dr. Gregory House: Well, you'd better hurry. You've got about twenty seconds before I go into cardiac arrest. [machines start to sound] Dr. Gregory House: Huh, I was wrong. (House M.D.) %