% 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor. % (English version) But Captain! She'll no take it! % 42. % A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. % A collision at sea can ruin your entire day. % A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. % A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. % A cookie a day keeps the misery away. % A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. % A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. % A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. % A good memory does not equal pale ink. % A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. % A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity % A king's castle is his home. % A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. % A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. % A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. % A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. % About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. % About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. % Academy: A modern school where football is taught. % Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. % Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. % After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. % ag'NOS'tic (n): an atheist who does not have the courage of his convictions. % All great discoveries are made by mistake. % All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. % All in all it's just another brick in the wall... % All that glitters has a high refractive index. % All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. % All's well that ends. % America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man. % An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. % Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. % Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell % Any given program, when running, is obsolete. % Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. % Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. % Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. % Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. % Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. % Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. % As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. % As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. % As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? % As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. % Ask the next question! % Atomic piles: Severe disorder, treated with preparation H2 % Atrophy: award for lack of exercise % Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.) % Avoid the rush - mutate now. % Be careful! Is it classified? % Be security conscious - National defense is at stake. % Been Transferred Lately? % Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. % Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West. % Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. % Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. % Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. % Beware the new TTY code! % Biggest security gap - an open mouth. % Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. % Blow your mind - smoke dynamite. % Boot Capten! She'll noo tak et! % Brain fried -- Core dumped % Build something that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. C. Shaw. % Business will be either better or worse. --Calvin Coolidge % But I don't like Spam!!!! % By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. % Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? % Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. % Change your thoughts and you change your world. % Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. % Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." % Clone: Cell-mate % Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. -- Noam Chomsky % Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. % Concentrate on security. % Courage is grace under pressure. % Courage is your greatest present need. % Creditors have much better memories than debtors. % Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. % Death: to stop sinning suddenly. % Definition of an endless loop: In your program, it is an elementary blunder; in my program it is a dynamic halt. % Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. % Diplomacy: the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large rock. % Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. % Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality. % Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. % Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. % Do not underestimate the power of the Force. % Don't drink drive! Washing powder is bad for you. % Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. % Don't gamble with security. % Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. % Don't guess - check your security regulations. % Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. % Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. % DON'T PANIC! % Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. % Don't spit, you might need it. - Sign in the Simpson Desert. % Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. % Don't think of it as being vastly outnumbered, think of it as offering a wide shot selection. % DON'T VOTE.....It only encourages them. % Don't you have something better to do? % Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. % Enjoy it while you can! % Enumerated: what a mathematician gets after too many drinks. % Even a cabbage may look at a king. % Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. % Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. % Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. % Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. % Every dog must have its day. % Famous last words: "Well waddyaknow? A seven-shooter" - anonymous Western. % Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. % Fat is the past tense of fit % Fate will bring two people together though they are separated by one thousand miles; fate will prevent two people from meeting though they are standing face to face. [Chinese Proverb] % Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. % Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. % Flee at once, all is discovered. % Food for thought requires a mind with teeth. % Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns one. % Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. % Game Over Please insert 20c % Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. % GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO. GIGO...... % Go Ahead - Make my day! % Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect \$200. % God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. % Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. % Gone out to lunch. % Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. % Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. % Have you initialized lately? % He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. % He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. % He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. % He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. % He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. % He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. % He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. % He who hesitates is sometimes saved. % He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. % He who laughs, lasts. % He who says what he likes shall hear what he does not like. [English proverb] % He who sits on fence does not get feet wet. % He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. % Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it is all organised by the Italians. % Heisenberg probably wasn't here. % Help stamp out bindies! % Help stamp out land mines! % Help stamp out nails! % Help stamp out quicksand! % Help stamp out razor blades! % Help stamp out tacks! % HELP! % Here, YOU hold the grenade... % How am I going to operate my digital watch now? % How many weeks are there in a light year? % How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. % How untasteful can you get? % How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. % How you look depends on where you go. % Humans love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. % I advise you go back to bed. % I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. % I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. % I can't tell you that! % I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. % I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. % I think we're all Bozos on this bus. % I will never lie to you. % I wish you humans would leave me alone. % I'm going in. % I'm gonna get you! % I've got a bad feeling about this! -Luke Skywalker -Princess Leia -Han Solo & nearly everyone else from Star Wars series. % idea: % If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. % If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. % If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. % If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. % If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. % If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. % If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. % If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. % If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. % Ignore previous fortune. % In case of fire, do not attempt to use lifts. (To which was added:) Try a fire extinguisher. % Infinity welcomes careful drivers. % Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught. % Integrity has no need for rules. % Is this really happening? % It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. % It is better to wear out than to rust out. % It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. % It is easier to run down a hill than up one. % It is remotely possible that you might have mail. % It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. % It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. % It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. % It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. % It's a poor workman who blames his tools. % It's all in the mind, you know. % It's later than you think. % It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. % Join the Army! You get to travel around the world, meet interesting people... and kill them all! % Join the Marines. Intervene in the country of your choice. % Joo Janta 2000 Peril sensitive sunglasses - turn totally black at the first indication of danger. % Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. % Kiss your keyboard goodbye! % Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. % Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. % Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. % Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. % Let the machine do the dirty work. % Life is tough, and then you die. % Life! Don't talk to me about life -Marvin. % Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. % LISP: To call a spade a thpade. % Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL. % Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. % Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. % Long life is in store for you. % Make your MP work. Don't re-elect him. % Man is the lowest cost 150 pound non-linear all-purpose computer system that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour. % Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. % Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. % Man who sits on fence makes good target. % Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. % Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. % Many are called, few volunteer. % Many are cold, but few are frozen. % Many pages make a thick book. % Many receive advice, few profit from it. % May the Force be with you! % May the hair on your toes never grow less. % Memory should be the starting point of the present. % Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. % Murphy's Law of Programming: the sooner you start to code your program, the longer it will take. % Never give an inch! % Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken. % Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. % New systems generate new problems. % No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. % No cookies today! % No good deed goes unpunished. % No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. % No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. % No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. % Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. % Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! % Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. % Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. % Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. % NOTICE: I am not responsible % Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! % Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. % On a clear disk you can seek forever... % One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. % Our machines are so complicated, the human element doesn't enter into them. IBM spokesman, 1946. % panic! % Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. % Parapsychology - The study of madness (in skydivers who leap off tall city buildings) by sifting through bits of brain on pavements. % People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. % People will buy anything that's one to a customer. % Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. % Please detach the keyboard before throwing to avoid rebounce. % Please do not ask for bail, as a refusal often offends. % Please go away. % Power is poison. % Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore [Russian proverb] % Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got. % Quit work and play for once! % Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination. % Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. % Read a good book lately? % Read science fiction - then you will know what is happening tommorrow. % Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. % Real programmers are a figment of the imagination. % Reality is only for people who can't handle Science Fiction. % Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9) % Schrodinger makes me psi. % Sign in Hospital: The First Three Minutes Of Life Can Be The Most Dangerous. (To which was added:) The last three minutes are pretty dodgy, too. % Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. % Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. % Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. % Snow Day - stay home. % Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport. % Some men are discovered; others are found out. % Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. % Sorry about that Chief! % Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. % Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. % Stop Press: Irish boat people reach Vietnam... % Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. % Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. % Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud. % Success is a journey, not a destination. % Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. % Swap read error. You lose your mind. % Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. % Talk to a tall, dark stranger today. % Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. % Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. % That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all. % That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. % That's not a bear - its a frog. Bears wear hats. % That's what she said. % The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. % The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. % The best prophet of the future is the past. % The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. % The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. % The end of labor is to gain leisure. % The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. % The following statement is not true: % The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) % The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. % The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. % The life which is unexamined is not worth living. % The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. % The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false. % The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. % The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. % The only perfect science is hind-sight. % The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. % The person who can keep their head while all around are losing theirs does not understand the problem. % The price of greatness is responsibility. % The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. % The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. % The Rev. Charles Spurgeon departed for heaven at 6.30am today. (To which was added:) 10.45pm. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter. % The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. % The squeaky wheel gets the oil. % The time is right to make new friends. % The universe is laughing behind your back. % The wages of sin is death. (To which was added:) If you have already been paid, please ignore this notice. % The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. % There is a fly on your Dimension! % There is no heavier burden than a great potential. % There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. % There is no time like the pleasant. % There is someone watching over your shoulder! % There was nowhere to go, so I went there. % There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. % THEY are out to get you. % Things get worse under pressure. % This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. % This message will self destruct in 10 seconds. % This space for rent. % Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach others how to teach. Those who can't teach others how to teach, administrate. % Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. % Those who can, do; those who can't, write. % Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose. % Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. % Time and tide wait for no man. % Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. % Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. % To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. % To do is to be -- Nietzsche. To be is to do -- Sartre. Do be do be do -- Sinatra. % To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer. % To err is human; to forgive is not Library policy. % To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. % To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. % To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. % To teach is to learn. % Today is the first day of the rest of your life. % Today is the last day of your life so far. % Too many cooks make light work. % Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore! % Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. % Twelve of one, 0xC of the other. % Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. % Volcano - a mountain with hiccups. % VOTE for NOBODY. - NOBODY will express your desires. - NOBODY will have your intrests at heart. - NOBODY CARES! % We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. % We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. % What a senseless waste of human life! % What do you get when you multiply six by nine? 42. % what is love. % What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. % When all else fails, read the instructions. % When in pain (or in doubt), run in circles, scream and shout. % When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. % When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you're dead. % Where theres a will, theres a killing. % Who are you? % Words are the voice of the heart. % Words must be weighed, not counted. % Work for the Lord. The pay is terrible but the fringe benefits are out of this world! % Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. % Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. % Written on a British Airways poster: Breakfast in London. Lunch in New York. Baggage in Bermuda. % You are a manic depressive with suicidal tendencies. % You are being paged. % You are hungry % You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. % You are not here -> % You are standing on my toes. % You can get more things done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone. % You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. % You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. % You cannot go beyond where you have not yet begun. % You have been recruited to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko Dan armada. % You have been selected for a secret mission. % You have mail. % You look tired % You might have mail. % You now have Asian Flu. % You should go home. % You will be surprised by a loud noise. % You will feel hungry again in another hour. % You will never know hunger. % Your ignorance cramps my conversation. % Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. % Youth is the trustee of posterity. % A few well chosen words with a loved one are better than the picture that comes with the frame, even if the picture is of Olivia Newton John. -Balki, Perfect Strangers % "Are you the police?" "No Ma'am. We're Musicians" -Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers % "Good pitching will beat good hitting any day. And vice-versa." -Yogi Berra % Hickory, Dickory, Dock, Three mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, and the other two got away with minor injuries. % Bus error: passengers dumped. % One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. % "I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." -Tom Neff % "No problem is too big it can't be run away from." -Linus % "If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure." -Dan Quayle % "Aging is bad, but consider the alternative." -Anonymous % You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing. % The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. % Engineering majors say, "How does it work?", CS majors say, "How can it work faster?", Business majors say, "When will it work?", Liberal Art's majors say, "Would you like fries with that?" % God is real unless declared integer. % "Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?" "No Calvin." "Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?" "No Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No Calvin." ("She's on to me.") % C++ - The language in which only friends can access your private members. % There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. % There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. -Benjamin Dana % OLTIONS'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE Bang! ...crumble. % Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. -Bill Bulko % MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way. -Henry Spencer % If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. -Bill Cosby % When anyone says 'theoretically.' they really mean 'not really.' -David Parnas % I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. % We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. -Dave Barry % Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. % Recursive, adj.; see Recursive % The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..." -Isaac Asimov % I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once. % We have the most thorough test guy in the world. I showed him this program and he asked, "but Rob, what if time runs backwards?" % 'My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My Mother drunk or sober' -G.K. Chesterton % It is a sobering thought, for example that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. -Tom Lehrer % 'Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away' -Philip K. Dick % 'Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.' -Bertrand Russell % Puritanism- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. % 'Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!' -THE SIMPSONS % 'Albert, stop telling God what to do.' -Niels Bohr % "make lot's of money", "enjoy work", "operate within the law": choose 2 -Brian Anderson % "NOBODY goes to that restaurant anoymore because it is too crowded." -Yogi Berra % "Yeah, it gets late early out there." -Yogi Berra (Speaking about left field's shadows) % Mantle: What time it is? Yogi: You mean right now? % Reporter: Yogi, you look cool today... Yogi: Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself... % It ain't over 'till it's over... -Yogi Berra % It's like Deja Vu all over again... -Yogi Berra % "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. ... Why do you find that funny?" - D. Taylor % "We'll call it S for cyclic." -Dr. Gord Sinnamon, Mathematics % "On Oprah Winfrey's income: $83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them." -Unknown Physics Prof. % There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off of your problems. % Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing. % A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living. % You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. % "Gee, that sounds like a dead rock star turning over in his grave to me." -Dave Letterman % 35% of all statistics are completely useless. % If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion. % "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a discrace, that two are called a lawfirm, and that three or more become a congress." -John Adams % Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better. % Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post % "Do you surrender?" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!" "Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked." % Former jockey Willie Shoemaker, paralyzed in a single-car accident he had while driving drunk, has sued the state of California for negligence because there were no rubber guardrails where the crash occurred. % Q: How man Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One - But the lightbulb has to really WANT to change. % We're on a mission from God. -Elwood Blues % If you feel you're getting anywhere, you're on the wrong track. --The Boo Hoo Bible % If you don't gamble, you'll never win --Bukowski % You can cage a tiger, but you're never sure he's broken. Men are easier. --Bukowski % An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way; an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way. --Bukowski % If they don't want us to drink and drive, why do you have to have a driver's license to buy beer? % "I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining." -- Lily Tomlin % "Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it binds the universe together." --Carl Zwanzig % "The world is coming to an end. Please log off." --Bob Irwin % "The tide is turning... the enemy is suffering terrible losses" --Gen. Geo. A. Custer % Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. % COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key % Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. % 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. % Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. % My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. % C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL % C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN % Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression % The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. % BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding % The name is Baud......, James Baud. % Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! % C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. % Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. % Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" % As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. % Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. % ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) % Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny % A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. % An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. % Does fuzzy logic tickle? % Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. % SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . % Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? % Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. % RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. % Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... % All computers wait at the same speed. % DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. % Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... % Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... % ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! % E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. % Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! % Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. % "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 % DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS % Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS % Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! % Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... % Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. % Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) % Hit any user to continue. % I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! % Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? % Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic % (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? % (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? % If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. % Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. % Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. % Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. % Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS! % We are MicroSoft... OS/2 is irrelevant. UNIX is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated... (from the .sig file of prs AT Turing.ORG (Phillip R. Scarr)) % Yoda of Borg: Assimilated you will be, hmmm? (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % We've engaged the Borg. The wedding will be on Friday. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Borger King: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Borg axiom: It is better to assimilate than never. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Bart of Borg: Assimilate my shorts! (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Ohm of Borg: Resistance is futile. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Borg Cable Co.: The subscriber's wishes are irrelevant (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Lennon of Borg: Imagine there's no assimilation..... (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % The Borg Spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3 (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % Quayle of Borg: Spelling is irrelevant. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % ...and the only thing the Borg left was this MacIntosh. (from doctor AT qedbbs.com) % #1 Hit on the Borg Top 40: We all sleep in a single subroutine % #2 Hit on the Borg Top 40: Borg in the USA % Ah'm Bubba o' Boahg. Y'all fixin' t' be assim'lated. % Assimilate me tender - Elvis of Borg % Blonde Borgs have the same fun. % Borg Moderator: Your topic is irrelevant. % Borg Starter Kit. some assimilation required. % Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left. % Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y) % Borg, James Borg. Vodka Martini, Gin is irrelevant. % Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation. % BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename % Bugs Bunny of Borg: What's up Collective? % Caffeine of Borg: Sleep is irrelevant. % Can't Get No Assimilation - Rolling Stones of BORG % Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am % Demtel of Borg: You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE! % Groucho Borg: That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated. % I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be assimiwated! % I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess! % I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated. % I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat! % My other computer is a Borg. % OS/2 of Borg: DOS will be assimilated. % P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim...absorbed % Popeye of Borg: Prepare to be askimilgrated. % Pythagoras of Borg: Distance is irrelevant. % Tennis is irrelevant - Bjorn Borg % The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt! % The Borg: Cool, Calm and Collective. % The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg Borg Borg! % Uhura of Borg: Assimilation frequencies open, sir % We are Borg. is futile is inevitable % We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!! % Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling. % I am Pentium of borg. Division is irrelevant. Mathematics is irrelevant. You will be... approximated. % I am Lenin of Borg. Kounter-resistance is futile. Demokracy is irrelevant. Kapitalism is irrelevant. You will be reeducated. % We are Barney of Borg. I love you. You love me. Resistance is futile. % How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? a1. None, they just assimilate the bulb. a2. All of them. % Borg Answering Machine Message: WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later. % Haiku Computing In Japan, Sony Computers have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables... % A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. (Haiku Error Message #1) % The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist. (Haiku Error Message #2) % Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. (Haiku Error Message #3) % ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much. (Haiku Error Message #4) % Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. (Haiku Error Message #5) % Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. (Haiku Error Message #6) % First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. (Haiku Error Message #7) % With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. (Haiku Error Message #8) % The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. (Haiku Error Message #9) % Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. (Haiku Error Message #10) % A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. (Haiku Error Message #11) % Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. (Haiku Error Message #12) % You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. (Haiku Error Message #13) % Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. (Haiku Error Message #14) % Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. (Haiku Error Message #14) % Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. (Haiku Error Message #15) % If it's there and you can see it -- it's real If it's not there and you can see it -- it's virtual If it's there and you can't see it -- it's transparent If it's not there and you can't see it -- you erased it! % All times are Soon to Aslan. % He's not a tame lion. % Seizing the point, he beat the argument to death with it. % My f100 goes clack, clack, clack clack, clack, clack clack, clack, clack; My f100 goes clack, clack, clack clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. % I hear, I forget. I see, I remember. I do, I understand. % A penny saved is ridiculous. % Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. % As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. % If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. % That money talks, I'll not deny. I heard it once. It said "good-bye". % Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. % Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. % There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. % Black Holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. % My feet are on the Rock and my name is on the Roll! % The consultant's curse: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once. % To err is human. To blame it on a computer is even more so. % We The Willing, Lead By The Unknowing, Are Doing The Impossible For The Ungrateful. We Have Done So Much For So Long With So Little, We Are Now Qualified To Do Anything With NOTHING. % GIGO - Garbage In, Gospel Out. % Volume is no substitute for diction. % Three O'clock in the afternoon is either too late or too early to start anything. % Pope: When will you make an end? Michelangelo: When it is finished! % I'm sorry for not communicating, but sometimes it's very hard to write on a moving planet. % Reports of my being alive and well have been grossly exaggerated. % Sometimes I think I understand everything - then I regain consciousness. % i said i dont know % Say it with flowers - send a Triffid. % I'm in search of myself - have you seen me anywhere? % Things are gradually falling into place - on top of me! % Don't burn your bridges before you cross them. % The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it shut. % It's no use complaining of boredom when you don't do anything about it. -- Godfrey Winn % A man who attempts nothing never fails. % You are cordially invited to my next fiasco... % The best way to get praise is to die. [Italian proverb] % My final decision is... maybe. % Cheer up! Things may be getting worse at a slower rate. % Why is everybody behaving as if there were no reason to panic? % Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. % It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life [Irish Proverb] % It is easier to rule a kingdom than a family. [Chinese Proverb] % Once a Frenchman who'd promptly said "Oui" To some ladies who'd asked him if houi Cared to drink, threw a fit Upon finding that it Was a tipple no stronger than toui. % Phonology is the study of telephone etiquette - a high school student. % The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory. [Chinese Proverb] % Big fleas have little fleas That on their bodies bite em And little fleas have littler fleas And so ad infinitum % Language is a steed that carries one into a far country. [Arab proverb] % Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. % Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. % Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. % Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. % The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. % Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to.....to........uh.............. % Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. % Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. % Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. % Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. % Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. % Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque. 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. % Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car ****"). 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" % Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. % The Principle of Inverse Visibility The visibility of an object is inversely proportional to the importance of finding it. % Hibberts Law #14: When two technologies are competing for the marketplace, the inferior one always succeeds. % MEALEY'S LAW Flat surfaces attract objects. % HOFSTADTER'S LAW It always takes longer than you think, even taking into account Hofstadter's Law. % HANLON'S RAZOR: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. % FREEDMAN's RULE The queue you join slows down. % THE PETER PRINCIPLE A public servant rises to the level of his own incompetence. % PARKINSON'S LAW Work expands to fill the time available. % SATTERING'S LAW:- It works better if you plug it in. % ATWOOD'S COROLLARY:- No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. % JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW:- If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read. COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW:- All your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out. % HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW:- You never find the article until you replace it. % BROOK'S LAW:- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. % FLAP'S LAW:- Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. % MAINTENANCE RULES:- 1: Put it back in the box and let someone else fix it 2: Plug it in 3: Kick it % @ @ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@ * @@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ *** @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ * @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @@@@@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ * @ @@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ *** @ @ @@@@@@@ @ @@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@ * I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE % PARADOXICAL ADVICE: Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you, too, be like him. Proverbs 26:4 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes. Proverbs 26:5 % Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes. Proverbs 26:5 % Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you, too, be like him. Proverbs 26:4 % Like apples of gold in settings of silver, so is a word spoken at the right moment. Proverbs 25:11 % "If you are wise, you are wise for yourself; if you scoff, you alone will bear it." Proverbs 9:12 % "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offences." Proverbs 10:12 % "Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so is the sluggard to those who send him." Proverbs 10:26 % "He who belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent." Proverbs 11:12 % "Like a gold ring in a swine's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion." Proverbs 11:22 % "Better is a man of humble standing who works for himself than one who plays the great man but lacks bread." Proverbs 12:9 % "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." Proverbs 12:15 % "The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent man ignores an insult." Proverbs 12:16 % "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment." Proverbs 12:19 % "A prudent man conceals his knowledge, but fools proclaim their folly." Proverbs 12:23 % "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 % "Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge." Proverbs 14:7 % "The simple believes everything, but the prudent looks where he is going." Proverbs 14:15 % "A man of quick temper acts foolishly, but a man of discretion is patient." Proverbs 14:17 % "The simple acquire folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge." Proverbs 14:18 % "In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to want." Proverbs 14:23 % "The crown of the wise is their wisdom, but folly is the garland of fools." Proverbs 14:24 % "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1 % "A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken." Proverbs 15:13 % "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fatted ox and hatred with it." Proverbs 15:17 % "Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 % "To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!" Proverbs 15:23 % "The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones." Proverbs 15:30 % "He whose ear heeds wholesome admonition will abide among the wise." Proverbs 15:31 % "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18 % "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24 % "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city." Proverbs 16:32 % "Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife." Proverbs 17:1 % "A bribe is like a magic stone in the eyes of him who gives it; wherever he turns he prospers." Proverbs 17:8 % "He who forgives an offence seeks love, but he who repeats a matter alienates a friend." Proverbs 17:9 % "A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool." Proverbs 17:10 % "Let a man meet a she-bear robbed of her cubs, rather than a fool in his folly." Proverbs 17:12 % "If a man returns evil for good, evil will not depart from his house." Proverbs 17:13 % "The beginning of strife is like letting out water; so quit before the quarrel breaks out." Proverbs 17:14 % "Why should a fool have a price in his hand to buy wisdom, when he has no mind?" Proverbs 17:16 % "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17 % "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22 % "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Proverbs 17:28 % "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." Proverbs 18:2 % "A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to himself." Proverbs 18:7 % "A man's spirit will endure sickness; but a broken spirit who can bear?" Proverbs 18:14 % "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman." Proverbs 21:9 % "He who closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself cry out and not be heard." Proverbs 21:13 % "A man who wanders from the way of understanding will rest in the assembly of the dead." Proverbs 21:16 % "It is better to live on a desert land than with a contentious and fretful woman." Proverbs 21:19 % "Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself." Proverbs 26:4 % "Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes." Proverbs 26:5 % "My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent." Proverbs 1:10 % "Such are the ways of all who get gain by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors." Proverbs 1:19 % "How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing, and fools hate knowledge?" Proverbs 1:22 % "Let not loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them about your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." Proverbs 3:3 % "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight." Proverbs 3:5 % "Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." Proverbs 3:7 % "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:11-12 % "Happy is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gets understanding, for the gain from it is better than gain from silver and its profit better than gold." Proverbs 3:13-14 % "Do not be afraid of sudden panic or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught." Proverbs 3:25-26 % "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it." Proverbs 3:27 % "Do not envy a man of violence and do not choose any of his ways; for the perverse man is an abomination to the Lord, but the upright are in his confidence." Proverbs 3:31-32 % "The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble." Proverbs 4:19 % "Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you." Proverbs 4:24 % "For the lips of a loose woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword." Proverbs 5:3-4 % "Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways and be wise." Proverbs 6:6 % "A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a vagabond, and want like an armed man." Proverbs 6:10-11 % "For wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her." Proverbs 8:11 % "Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you." Proverbs 9:8 % "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." Proverbs 9:10 % "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence." Proverbs 9:11 % "A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight." Proverbs 11:1 % "Like a lame man's legs, which hang useless, is a proverb in the mouth of fools." Proverbs 26:7 % "He who meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears." Proverbs 26:17 % "For lack of wood the fire goes out; and where there is no whisperer, quarrelling ceases." Proverbs 26:20 % "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth." Proverbs 27:1 % "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Proverbs 27:5 % "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Proverbs 27:6 % "Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away." Proverbs 27:10b % "He who blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing." Proverbs 27:14 % "He who trusts in his own mind is a fool; but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26 % "He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck will suddenly be broken beyond healing." Proverbs 29:1 % "If a ruler listens to falsehood, all his officials will be wicked." Proverbs 29:12 % "If you have been foolish, exalting yourself, or if you have been devising evil, put your hand on your mouth. For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife." Proverbs 30:32-33 %